December 15, 2010
Tom Intven
LO President

tom intven At this festive time, I would like to share a little humour with all of you. Much of it is horticultural humour. In our hectic, stressed-filled lives, one of the true relief mechanisms that we can turn to is humour. It helps to put life in perspective and provide us with a little balance. If this message can elicit even a small grin, I will have accomplished what I intended.  

You might be a redneck gardener if:

You’ve ever cleaned your house with a leaf blower.
You think a chainsaw is a musical instrument.
You move your refrigerator, and the grass underneath it is yellow.
Kudzu covers your arbour.
You empty the trash when you have enough to fill the pick up.
You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a hose.
You’ve been cited for reckless driving on a riding lawn mower.

Short jokes

Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells, and don’t work half the time. — Author Unknown
Have you heard about the Garlic Diet? You don’t lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner.
What did the plant geneticist get when he crossed baked beans and onions? Tear gas.
The same geneticist claims to have found a way to extend all our lives: he’s implanted genes into vegetables to make them smell like bacon.
Why don’t you ever iron a four-leaf clover? You might press your luck.
What do you get when you cross that four-leaf clover with poison ivy? A rash of good luck.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Non-horticultural puns

A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but it means your mother.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in colour, it’s a pigment of your imagination.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?


Don’t expect a bonsai tree to grow the miniature planting it.
The research assistant couldn’t experiment with plants, because he hadn’t botany.
Old gardeners never die, they just vegetate.
I will cut the grass only when I get mow-tivated.

A fruit tree

A young girl knew how much her mother liked flowers, and when she was nine years old felt this justified taking some branches from our the neighbour’s blossoming fruit tree. Realizing where she had found them, but recognizing that her intention was to please her, the mother didn’t scold her but chose a different approach. “These are lovely, Bonnie, but do you realize that if you had left them on the tree, each of these blossoms would have become a cherry?”
“No, they wouldn’t have,” Bonnie stated firmly.
“Oh, yes, they would have. Each of the blossoms would have grown into a cherry.”  
“No, they wouldn’t,” Bonnie said stubbornly.
He mother retorted somewhat angrily, “Bonnie, each one of these blossoms would have become a cherry!”  
“Well, okay,” Bonnie finally conceded, “but they were plums last year!”  

Humorous epigrams

“Only a mediocre person is always at his best.” (Somerset Maugham)
“An ethical man is a Christian holding four aces.” (Mark Twain)
“An optimist is one who believes everything he reads on the jacket of a new book.” (unknown)
“A pessimist is one who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.” (unknown)
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.” (Samuel Butler)
“Guilt is the gift that keeps on giving.” (Erma Bombeck)
“History is a set of lies agreed upon.” (Napoleon Bonaparte)
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.” (Oscar Wilde)
“You can’t get spoiled if you do your own ironing.” (Meryl Streep)
“Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.” (Oscar Wilde)
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” (Maurice Chevalier)
“Bravery is being the only person who knows you’re afraid.” (Franklin P. Jones)
“A critic is someone who leaves no turn unstoned.” (George Bernard Shaw)
“Idealism increases in direct proportion to one’s distance from the problem.” (John Galsworthy).

Humorous quotations

  • “We can’t all be heroes, because someone has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.” (Will Rogers)
  • “If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion.” (George Bernard Shaw)
  • “I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out.” (Rodney Dangerfield)
  • “Heaven and hell: I don’t want to express an opinion. You see, I have friends in both places.” (Mark Twain)
  • “It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.” (Marilyn Monroe)
  • “If you look like your passport photo, in all probability you need the holiday.” (Earl Wilson)

Wishing you all the very best this holiday season.

Don’t miss AGM

LO Annual General Meeting will take place Jan. 12.
Doubletree International Plaza Hotel, 655 Dixon Rd., Toronto.
Free breakfast is served, starting at 7:30 a.m.
Rsvp Kathleen Pugliese at 1-800-265-5656, ext. 309, or

Tom Intven may be reached at 519-631-1008, or